Moms, there is absolutely no reason you can’t have it all.
The expectation that you work long hours for your corporate overlords and personally attend to your offspring’s slightest whimper and fart are not at all unrealistic; what needs adjusting is your attitude. With a little creative multitasking, you too can have it all and smugly judge the other mothers in your mommy & me classical piano in mandarin for newborns class.
Following are just a few ways to life hack your way to having it all.
Take your toenail polish off while you poop
Sometimes (hardly ever) you get to poop alone. Take advantage of those free hands of yours and scrub the skid marks off your 7-month-old pedicure.
Oh wait, you have the baby in a carrier while you’re pooping? Your toddler is leaning against your thighs unspooling the toilet paper and peering behind your back into the bowl to bear witness? In that case, put the cap back on the chemicals, you monster. The last thing this wholly lurid scene needs is toxic fumes poisoning your innocent babes.
Next time, just get a proper pedicure, won’t you, you callus-heeled hag?
Use your little one’s spit up as a milk mask
We all love our babies’ ultra soft skin. What better way to achieve the same results and be green than to repurpose their spit up as the ultimate locally sourced, organic face mask? (You are eating 110% organic, right? If not, do not pass go. You do not deserve self care. Get your ass to Whole Foods and don’t you dare go in leggings or yesterday’s hair.)
Back to you, #puremom. To achieve baby soft skin, just slather her spit up generously onto your face and neck. Unlike other face masks, do not avoid your eye and nostril areas; instead, try using your precious babe’s nosebulb to squirt some of the mask up your nose. Is this #NetiPotLiquidGoldEdition or what? Let that creamy curdled upchuck soak back into your body for at least 10 minutes.
While the mask is doing the work, attach your baby to your breast, close your eyes and let yourself feel gratitude for the profound beauty of this closed loop of fluid and the circle of life.
Then buy yourself a hot pair of stilettos on the internet, because you’re getting twice the value from that liquid gold, you thrifty saver you, and your husband has needs that your stretch marks are not servicing.
Work like you don’t have a kid
Women’s careers are set back by years for deciding to become a parent, and your pay will go down by 4% for each baby you have. What a poor showing by mothers.
Don’t be part of these embarrassing statistics. You are better than this! Commit to working extra hours to make up for the time you took off to create and birth new life.
Working nights and weekends is hard because unless you’re an absent mother and want to introduce profound abandonment issues into your innocent baby’s tender consciousness, you will have the baby and you must not under any circumstances expose her to harmful screens like your laptop or phone or she will turn into a sedentary psychopath.
When she does inevitably become a menace to society, science will show it’s irrefutably your fault.
Don’t get all hysterical on me here. Rest assured you can still parent responsibly while knocking out important emails, memos, and other writing tasks. While you’re nursing or rocking baby to sleep for hours on end, simply use the dictation feature in many popular software applications to write, screen free.
This life hack is clearly a win-win: baby gets to hear your voice (language and brain development!) and you get to put in overtime hours to impress the boss. Not to mention, that proposal for a revised accounting process flow is so boring it will probably put baby to sleep faster than any lullabies you screech out between emails.
Dictating instead of typing might even make that accounting memo interesting. You, too, could ‘write’ a sentence like this one:
Taberna you baby is well never dog so actually take that back there often for some very boring time when I’m playing dump truck for the millionth time Monday or if I make a baby sex hours.
Go get ‘em, mama. You’ve got this.