How to lose 20 pounds in one week

Step 1: Get pregnant, gain 40 pounds

pre pregnancy and post pregnancy splits


Step 2: Have an 8 pound baby

2016-01-13 15.40.21

Step 3: Sweat profusely at night.

Get all those extra pregnancy fluids out. Soak through your pajamas and sheets and all those stray burp cloths floating around your bed. (Are they clean? Dirty? No one knows.)

Yeah, no pictures here, folks.

Step 4: Breastfeed that baby like it’s going out of style.

mackenzie sleeping on my chest
She prefers to be fed hourly, on the hour.


There you have it. That’s how to lose 20 pounds in one week. Easy peasy, right?

Some side effects you should be aware of:

  • Losing all those pregnancy fluids will mean you are dry, dry, dry. I’m talking skin, lips, hair. Bring on the chapstick and the lotion and the constant hydration efforts.
  • The remaining 20 pounds will likely be heavily concentrated in your belly. When you lie on your side, it will puddle next to you in bed like a soft little pet. It’s the perfect cuddle buddy for your baby (for all you cosleepers out there).
  • Through no effort of your own (besides getting knocked up) your boobs will be rock hard and your stomach will be boundlessly voluptuous and pillowy.

In all seriousness, I’m planning on sharing the trials and tribulations of postpartum fitness, weight, and body here, because, um, fitness is kind of what I do. Or used to do, before all of the above took place. 😉

I was shocked to see myself 20 pounds down after just one week, especially because the day we came home from the hospital, I had only lost 7 pounds. As in, LESS than the weight of the actual baby.

I’m sure these next 20 will be a different story. I’m not in any rush to hop on any diet or weight loss plan, not least because my hourly milk machine duties leave me ravenous, but once I’m cleared for exercise, I do have some plans, and a few tricks in my back pocket, for how I’m going to recover some of my missing muscles. (Abs, I’m looking at you).


Also, coming soon: Mackenzie’s birth story. This one is taking me forever to write, but it’s in the cooker, people.



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8 Replies to “How to lose 20 pounds in one week”

  1. OMG, even with your 40 lbs (which I don’t believe, btw), you still look like a supermodel. And I’m sure with your “20 lbs” you still do too. I want to look like you when I gain 40 lbs or more…but wahhh, I won’t, I’ll just be a big, billowy house walking down the street eating cronuts out of my folds. 😉 HAHAH that’s a weird image. Your spam detector might pick this comment up because its so strange … and so me….I think maybe I miss ya a littttle.

    1. 42 pounds officially! And BAHAHAHA cronuts out of your folds. I’m waiting for that day, and not-so-secretly hoping you’ll stash an extra cronut or two for me.

      Not that I would EVER take food away from a pregnant lady. 😉

  2. Girl, don’t be surprised if you lose the next 20lbs in a few weeks. I was back to my pre baby weight in 3 weeks and I wasn’t doing anything! Once I was finally cleared for exercise I just had to worry about toning. Because I was soft 😉 A year later I’m still working on toning those abs…. never ending battle. Can wait to follow along.

    1. Wow! That is amazing… I hope to be like you. Please, powers that be, let me be like Tiara…

      I’ll be leaning on you for advice on how to banish the softness! 😀

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